How do you "Train" a Child?

My mommy triumphs have little to do with an A+ worksheet, phenomenal piano performance (hence my daughter's backwards curtsy afterwards), or whether or not my child read by her 4th birthday. My favorite moments, the ones where I feel hand picked by God, usually remain private memories, shared by one child and myself. Thinking back to my own childhood, the comfort of my mother is a tangible memory, literally felt across my body when brought to mind. It is irreplaceable, and while I may share a mother, or share family memories, it is the uniqueness of each of my middle of the night illnesses, slips into bed after a nightmare, and secret snacks after a bad day that create in my mind an image of who my mother is. 

Recently I went off of the grid for a few months. Partly by choice, part unintentional. I shut down social media, unplugged our cable, and accidentally broke my cell phone. The heart change that I experienced was astounding - shifting focus away from what could be presented unto what was real, concrete, and truly mattered to the lives of my precious children. 

Childhood only happens to each of us once - what will your children remember? 

"Train up a child in the way he should go, and even when he is old, he will not depart from it"

-Proverbs 22:6 ASV

Reality for me used to look a little more like this:

"Present a clear and precise message of what type of mother you are, and once believed by all, focus on convincing your children"

Or better yet:

"Sign up to help with as many events/meals/ministries as possible, so that even if you aren't the best teacher, comforter, or train set builder, your children will remember you as a great person"

The Lord is revealing to me exactly what my role is as mother. He doesn't require "x" amount of hours spent planning meals, He doesn't expect me to magically develop a sense of train track building expertise, and He has no plans (that I am aware of) to give me the desire to iron our Sunday church wear. 

My son has been suffering nightmares for the last few weeks, something about a "scawy monkey" in our kitchen. Five nights in a row he calls for me, we head downstairs, see that there is in fact no monkey, and drink some chocolate milk and pray before we head back to bed. Sometimes my bed, sometimes his. Last night we went out of town for him to see a doctor about an upcoming surgery he is having, and the trip completely wore him out. He slept all night through, and I missed our little routine. Tonight, as midnight approached and I was getting ready for bed, I heard the "mama, mama, need hug" coming from upstairs. You don't have to ask me twice when you're that cute! I grabbed him and carried my groggy boy downstairs, poured him a glass of chocolate milk, and realized that we were standing in the kitchen in the dark, and he was not concerned. In fact, there was no mention of said monkey for quite some time. 

My little man just wanted me, or chocolate milk, or both. Probably the chocolate milk. But he squeezed in some snuggles and kisses while he could, and I realized that despite the laundry pile we were sitting next to, or the dinner dishes that were still on the table, my boy saw me as the one God made for him. 

So back to Proverbs, what is it that we want to get across when we "train" our children? I hope that I have many more nights like these. That my children remember my grace, love, forgiveness, and dedication to them. I hope they remember a patient smile when I walk in to change bed sheets in the middle of the night, or think of the times that I cried with them when they were heartbroken. I want them to hear my voice singing to them when they're losing their temper as teenagers, or to see my confidence in them when they're doubting themselves. I want to be a reflection of the Lord in their lives, and I want them to know how much He loves them because I want them to know what love really feels like. 

When I think down to the knitty-gritty of motherhood, I realize that what truly matters is sometimes only seen by those whom it truly matters to.

As surely as the sun rises

I've never felt the presence of the Lord so strongly that I am physically exhausted after time with Him. He broke me. But I wanted it. Well, He wanted it. He asked me to pray for it and accept it, I did, and together, WE wanted it.  For the past two days (not long) I have been praying for something. Of course, my interpretation of what that meant looked way different than God's. I know that now.

I knew that I had heard Him right, I felt the warfare, and for the past two days that is all I have felt. Not the relief. Maybe He just wanted me to come to a point where I truly believed that He would rescue me, that he could. And he did.

I am overjoyed, but broken.

It is never pretty when someone vomits, yet we know it serves a better purpose - getting the yuck out. In the same way, it does not always look beautiful when the Lord purges strongholds from their stagnant resting place in our souls. But it is beautiful. SO beautiful.

He LOVES me enough to bring me to this moment in my life.

“Come, let us return to the Lord.

He has torn us to pieces

    but he will heal us;

he has injured us

    but he will bind up our wounds.

² 

After two days he will revive us;

    on the third day he will restore us,

    that we may live in his presence.

³ 

Let us acknowledge the Lord;

    let us press on to acknowledge him.

As surely as the sun rises,

    he will appear;

he will come to us like the winter rains,

    like the spring rains that water the earth.”

-Hosea 6:1-3

The Aluminum Foil Situation

You know that silly moment that you wait for as a woman? When another woman recognizes all that you juggle so perfectly and says "How do you do it all?!"

That is a BAD moment for me! I never want to hear that phrase again. That phrase symbolizes my "Martha moment" - as in Martha from Luke 10:38-42

See, Martha and Mary were sisters. I believe that Martha was the typical older sister - neat , organized , and hospitable. Her sister Mary being the "free spirit" of the two , as is typical of a younger sister. This describes my sister and I perfectly , so I totally relate to this story!

Martha and Mary were hosting Jesus in their home. Martha was busy with the prep work , and Mary simply sat at the feet of Jesus , intently listening to all he had to say. This really bothered Martha and so she publicly asked Jesus to tell Mary to get up and help her - by the way , this is my 1 AM paraphrase of the story. Jesus replied to this by telling Martha that her sister had in fact "Chosen what is better". Ouch.

I have always read this literally , but thanks to my women's ministry class today , I understand the depth of it a bit more. See , Jesus probably didn't mean that Martha was wrong by preparing food instead of physically touching Jesus , but rather that she had the wrong attitude. Somebody had to set the table. Somebody had to prepare the beds. For goodness sake , SOMEBODY had to COOK! Martha was a gifted hostess , but it was a lapse in attitude that was the problem , not the fact that she was keeping busy. Her sister's physical presence at the feet of Jesus was her form of worship. Martha's functioning within her gift was also an act of worship - it was her attitude that was the problem.  We are all created by the Lord to function differently , so that we can be one complete church. We all have different spiritual gifts , and therefore the act of sitting at the feet of Jesus looks different in the lives of each of us, however it is the attitude of worship as our motive that causes it all to work together.

I want my spiritual gift to be hospitality. I almost force it. But the reality is that it's just not how the Lord created me. Time and time again I take the test provided by the church and I come up with the same answer : Faith. Sometimes my worship does not consist of physical actions , but rather private prayer , conversation , and excitement and trust in the Lord. Just like Martha , I cannot expect to force others to worship the same way I do , and I cannot judge others when they do not have the same vision and trust that I have , as they are gifted differently. The way I worship the Lord looks different than the way my husband does. He could grab his guitar and head downtown , play music with the homeless men that sit in front of the park , and come back with as much excitement as I would have from private worship.

I am quick to push the Lord out when my head is filled with other ideas and tasks , partly because I believe that , like all other "gifts" , the gift of Faith requires much cultivation to grow. In our class this morning we even talked about how something as silly as needing to write down "aluminum foil" on the grocery list can distract us from time with God. We have to spend time with the Lord in order for Him to feed us spiritually.

I have a very dear friend who in a sense thinks the way that I do. We had the opportunity to have a "girls night after party" tonight at Starbucks , heading there to chit chat after official girls night had ended. And then when we got kicked out of Starbucks upon closing , we continued the conversation in the parking lot - for over two hours. What a blessing it is to have friends who desire first to serve the Lord. She helped me see that unless something fits into the "God - Husband - Kids" arena, I do not HAVE to commit to it. So now when a friend utters that phrase "How do you do it?!" it means that I have devoted so much energy to other things that may as well be dead works , because I have not taken the time to sit at the feet of my savior.

As mothers and wives , don't we feel the need to fill our time with "meaningful" things like charity and service? Maybe we have it backwards. I don't think we can truly serve until we take some time to just sit. Listen. Worship. However that may look in your life.

Sarai and the Modern Wife

In my women's ministry, we are studying the book Twelve Extraordinary Women, and this week before class, we were to read the story of Abram and Sarai (who later became Abraham and Sarah), found in Genesis 12-23. As I sat reading about Sarah, who is referred to at times as "the most faithful woman in the bible", The Lord revealed a few "pieces" of the story that didn't relate to me until I became a wife.

1 Peter 3:5-6 mentions Sarah as an example for women of a submissive wife, and she WAS. She honored her husband through and through. From walking 350 miles across the desert to respecting her husband as he gave away their "good" land, and whipping up a meal for three strangers (read the story), she was truly a great example for us ladies.

Here are the three lessons I took away from the story of Abraham and Sarah

1) Women are persuasive, but not always right
I was talking to my friend Sunday about how thankful we were that our husbands carry the burden of decision making, rather than us. We were talking about how our "spaghetti brain" can take a simple thought or decision and turn it into a major spiritual war. Women were not made simple minded, that's for sure. A "black or white" decision for my husband would be a week long battle of the mind for me. But at the same time, my friend and I both agreed that we feel like we have wisdom to throw into the decision making mix. This is true. In fact, before God even CREATED Eve, he described her as "helper". I had a serious attitude with my husband the other night, and I sensed that my arguing wasn't getting a rise out of him. Now, let me say that I don't typically argue for the sake of making my husband angry. . . but hey, we've all been there, right?

. . . please say yes.

Anyway, when I got in bed that night, I asked him why it wasn't bothering him, and he said "Well, I've just realized that you know how to manipulate me, and I'm not going to let it happen anymore."

Ugh! Suckerpunch to the gut. It's so TRUE. I have known for a long time now that manipulation and persuasion is a special little talent I hold dearly within my marriage, but hearing that it is known to someone besides me. . . ouch. It got me thinking - within many marriages and relationships, it's clear that I am not the only woman who struggles with this. Biblically, there's always the the obvious Adam and Eve example, but I saw it within Sarah and Abraham's story as well. . . Hagar, anyone?


2) Don't let FEAR overcome your FAITH
It is always somewhat encouraging to hear that someone "great" also struggled at times. I think that being able to sit with someone who is facing a challenge in life and say "I've been there before, too" is one of the greatest encouragements we can offer someone. I believe there were times that Sarah was truly afraid.

Twice, Abraham and Sarah went by "brother and sister" rather than "husband and wife" for fear of Abraham being killed to obtain his beautiful wife (Genesis 12:10-20 and Genesis 20:1-18). And the bible actually uses the word "afraid" in Genesis 18:15 when Sarah lies to the three visitors about laughing. At this point, Abraham was already promised many offspring (Genesis 15:5), and was also promised protection (Genesis 12:2-3).

How true is this in our lives? The Lord has promised us so much, yet we all too often let fear get in the way of our faith. I wonder what Sarah must have thought as she looked back on her life, now a great Matriarch. I all too often wish that I could see the end results of God's work in my life. But that's not the point of faith, now, is it?

3) God's timing is typically NOT our timing
We've all heard it - Proverbs 19:21 - "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails". Well, yeah, that about sums it up. . .

That, simply stated, should be my motto in life. I am a woman. I like to be in control. I like to know the next step, and when possible, I like to talk it ALL into my own hands. Once again, Hagar, anyone? Sarah took matters into her own hands, and what came from it? Jealousy, taunting, and the first of many cases of polygamy in the bible. While my fleshly desire to control may not have such enormous consequences, it is still not a Godly characteristic that I am modeling for my children.

In the case of Sarah and Abraham, God's timing was unmistakably HIS timing. Sarah was NINETY years old when she bore Isaac, and Abraham was one hundred. God's power was put on full display by having Sarah wait so long. In fact, Sarah says in Genesis 21:6-7 “God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me.” And she added, “Who would have said to Abraham that Sarah would nurse children? Yet I have borne him a son in his old age.”. 

How many times have I declared on my own "I will never" or "That could never" or "It's impossible"? Well, how many times has the Lord proven me wrong?! My favorite verse to repeat in times of trial, fear, or (mostly) doubt is Jeremiah 32:27 - straight to the point

"I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?"

HE will write my story, I will trust HIM, and HE decides when it will happen. and HIS majesty will be on display because of it.




Thank you, Lord, for giving me a husband who speaks truth and relies on you. Thank you for forgiving me when I lack faith in you. May I be a vessel to display your marvelous works.

All This from a Cellophane Bag

Today was one of those days. You know, where a lot of bad things and a lot of good things happen and you're not quite sure how to label it as a whole...

Well tonight, I choose to focus on the good. But not before I explain the bad! We threw $50 out the window. I mean that literally. More like off the top of the car. Regardless. I also called Blockbuster to inform them that I had lost their DVD, got charged an additional $30, found it two minutes later (after a week of searching), only to be told it was too late, and that I already owned it...

Honesty...the best policy, aye?

Moving on.

Our schooling day was interrupted when my husband walked through the door with not one, but TWO bouquets. This is not abnormal for him. He cant pass the flowers without getting some for both of his girls. He wants to make sure his sweet little princess knows how to be treated one day.

 I just love how she lit up this time though. She grabbed his hand and took him to my vase cupboard and they sat there for a couple of minutes picking the perfect vases for each bouquet. She carried them over to me to have me cut the stems at the sink, and then picked the best spot in the house to display them. She walks up to them every few minutes now and grabs each jar (as my heart stops) off of the table and smells them, talks about how daddy got them for her (and me, but who cares, right?), and goes on and on. That had me thinking - what an honor to not only be responsible for two little hearts, but also for the hearts of two that we do not yet know - their spouses.

Our pastor spoke two weeks ago about how important it is to show passion between parents. And to clarify, I don't mean that you need to grab your husband and kiss him every time a child walks into the room! What I mean is this: express love toward your husbands and wives, so that it's not a foreign concept to our children, and so that they are taught by us what a loving relationship looks like, not by peers. Actually, our pastor gave three examples of what happens when we "hide" from our kids:

1. We get "Victorian" which leads to point 2
2. It becomes defiled (since nobody embraces it, the world does) Did you know that adult bookstores outpace McDonald's 3 to1? Now that leads to point 3
3. Perversion - the world has taken a purity meant for marriage, distorted it, and created a generation of people with skewed desires - 25% of all girls become victims of abuse.

I may have drifted off point slightly, but it seemed like an appropriate time.

My kids. Right...

We were talking this morning about Titus chapter two, how it gives clear instructions to be examples to young men and women in all that we do. In my opinion, my children are never too young to be considered heirs to the throne. What we say to them and model for them reflects on us as parents, sure. But more importantly, it affects their habits, thoughts, and adult decisions. For the first time in my life, I prayed for their spouses tonight. I prayed that nothing would happen to them to taint their love for Christ. That they are being raised to honor my kids now, even before they know them. That their parents understand the weight of their role in MY kids lives, and that my husband and I consider them in all that we do when raising our children to marry them one day.

Lord, in the blink of an eye, these two bouquets will be one. Reach the hearts now of the man and woman who will pick up where Mommy and Daddy leave off.