Today, I Was a MEAN Mommy!

All of the phrases that make me cringe ("leave me alone", "shut your mouth", etc...) came flying out of my mouth this morning directed at the little ears and hearts of my precious kids. It kills me to think about. KILLS ME. I like order, preparedness, no surprises, etc, and this morning felt like God was pranking me. I woke up at 7 which is THREE hours past my normal wake up time, forgot to leave the key for my cleaning ladies, rushed back home, had a little vomit incident in my car, rushed back home again, FORGOT I HAD TO GET GAS, AND was thirty minutes late for our science co-op that, oh yeah, I WAS TEACHING. 

In my world, that's recipe for a verbal disaster. 

For the last few weeks I have felt this messy, tangled process of change in my soul. I don't know if that makes ANY sense. The best way I can describe it is from "The Shack" - when Mack looks at the garden (his soul) that Sarayu is replanting and called it messy but beautiful - that's exactly it. I can feel the tearing and replanting and the beautiful mess. And I haven't questioned it, I just trust that God, who knows me better than I know myself, is up to good. But good isn't easy. Sometimes it's painful. And I try with all my human nature to fight it, even when I don't realize it. And today - the chaos that I feel inside became the chaos that came out of my mouth. And I look at the sweet little sleeping faces behind me in the car right now (I am parked, don't worry) and I wonder what kind of a monster could say hurtful things to them?

I am thankful for the promises that we have in Jesus. That he was once fully human and faced the feelings I feel. His human life was about more than crucifixion and resurrection. It was about relation. I can have a relationship with the triune God because Jesus can relate with me. And Jesus and God and the spirit can all submit and relate equally, and that puts me in the middle of it all. As my daughter says "God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit are like three people that all share the same heart, and they are sharing their heart with us, too" - I can't make this stuff up, people.

Having a "heart-mess" can feel so terrible, but it can be SUCH a gift. If we never had messy moments, when would we get to meet the real Jesus? Is there a better time to feel real, pure love than when you are really, fully accepted in all of your disaster? And yet, my human-ness can make me feel far from qualified at times to cry out to my king. But then I remember that He came here not only to establish grace, but to show me that "human" is worthy of His time, because "Human" was worthy of His life. 

“All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Matthew 11:27-30